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A little peanut, sent to war
was put on duty by the door
He told the nuts when he was spelled
"I must report, we're being shelled"

The chips came on in growing numbers
Flinging cheese and small cucumbers
The peanuts turned and soon had bolted
For a peanut hates to be "assaulted"

But then the peanuts rallied round
And soon regained their former ground
One must make mention of the bravery
Performed by a single onion savoury

He saw meringues all in a flurry
Cut off by some rice and curry
This threat was seen and soon was over
Dispatched by a barrage of pavlova

A box of after dinner mints
All camouflaged in chocolate tints
Attacked with sardines still in tins
The saveloys feared for their skins

A crayfish then all red with anger
Approached a large sauce covered banger
But soon withdrew repelled by mustard
Behind a nearby plate of custard

A turkey trussed and somewhat stout
Had it's stuffing knocked right out
It seems that at an earlier stage
Some gherkins sabotaged the sage

The condiments, though not at fault
Peppered all their men with salt
And questioned then about this course
Had got their orders from the sauce

A regiment of chicken legs
Were cornered by some brown, scotch eggs
Then rescued by a large pink ham
Retreated through a pool of jam

A section of the finest bread
Was cut about and left for dead
A heating flame used on a roast
Had turned the section into toast

A group of steak and kidney pies
Shot potatoes in the eyes
But took a pasting in some tussles
From oysters, pauas and green lipped mussels

A night attack by Bartlett pears
Was thwarted by the Royal Eclairs
Then large balloons behind a cup
Were captured whole and blown up

A gravy boat just near the port
By a soup tureen was caught
And all its crew were sore afraid
Of drowning in the lemonade

I hope you've liked my crazy fable
Of war and suchlike on the table
Did it happen, that’s the question?
Or a figment of my indigestion?

Ron Taylor
Kiri Te Kanawa village
April 2020

All names mentioned are used with permission.